Christmas Blues

2 Days before and I’m burning up a fever. 2 Days before Christmas and I’m feeling at the bottom of a pile of shit, all alone, cold and having endless viruses & bacteria’s attacking me from every corner.

Christmas is for a time for sharing and spending time together. I thought that ever since he had to travel around the world, barely being around in town, we could catch up some time and spend more time together this festive season.

But looks like I’m in for some disappointment.

Past 2 years around Christmas time, we used to go around to different shopping complexes to admire the decorations and to get gifts for his nephew, nieces and family together.

This year, he barely had time for us together. There was a time when he was busy with work, and we both went our own ways. A time when he was never around town as he needs to travel every few weeks, and we both went our own ways too. Also, there was a time he put me in quarantine for being sick. Weekends he goes back Sban, and if he’s not there in Sban, means he’s back to KL early to meet his friends somewhere. Is there any other time left for us anymore?

Gone were the days we used to take walk at parks, go swimming, play squash, hang out every Friday, walk at malls to shop together etc.

This year during Christmas season, he only accompanied me to Mid Valley on a Sunday, that was after I complained that he has time to go play badminton with his colleagues and had absolutely no time for me. The 2nd time was when I said I wanted to watch Eragon, he had no choice but to come out with me to 1Utama.

Other then that, there was no other initiative’s of hanging out with me. He told me to go myself to buy gifts for his parents and family. Who does that? My friend works in KL, and she only get's to see her bf on weekends back in Melaka. Yet, he tells her "don't worry, come back and we'll shop together, so we can choose together".

It’s Christmas, the time for sharing. And I have only myself to share with this year.

I thought the Friday b4 Christmas, will be our usual hang out night, and we can go somewhere together alone and spend time, admire Christmas decorations and get into the mood of Christmas (as that particular Friday I know I don’t have to stay late in office and can bla early). But it all got dashed when he told me he took leave on Friday and is going back Sban on Friday. Nothing else was told, and only much later he said he has caroling on Friday and was invited by some girls, that’s why he’s going back to Sban in the afternoon. Then the past 2 years? Church took leave and they didn’t do caroling? What makes this year special compared to past 2 years?

It was just plain curiousity I asked about caroling last night when he called. Just curious on how many people will be going, how they go, and how they know which house to go? Is it houses of church members? Houses they just simply knock and go in? Or houses of church members friends? Old folks? Orphanages? Whom he hangs out with? Who is the people closest to him in church? What made him go for caroling this year and not the past 2 years? I just wanted to know… and all he told me was “what’s the point of explaining to you when you don’t even know who or what I’m talking about?”

I just wanted to know more about Christianity, more about his life to share. And those are the typical answers I get. Else he will just rub me away by saying “U are so stupid, pointless talking to you. Chun tet”. I do ask questions like this to my other friends, I just wanna know more about Christianity, the different groups there are and the way things are done – marriage, funerals, gatherings etc. Is it something wrong to ask if you don’t know?

I feel exhausted. After whole year of him traveling around, I thought that in December at least he will be around town and we can hang out and have some quality time together before he starts flying around again. But looks like, I have myself to communicate this year.

After he told me he has to go back Sban for caroling and spending Christmas there, I agreed to let my parents plan for our own Christmas dinner here. After all things are planned with my family, there he comes and demanded that I go to Sban for dinner. Hello?? I cannot be on standby for you 24hours all the time.

I really feel exhausted and drained. I just want to love a person who loves me back too. At this point of time, I feel like I’m the one at the “one-sided love” end.
He says things like “I bring you out, and yet you still show me long face”. I thought he went out with me because he wanted to see me and to spend time with me, not just hanging out with me as though I begged him for his company.

Things like “You do / say that somemore, you see whether I will leave you or not? I will stop talking to you forever”. It’s as though I’m begging him to be with me, I’ll be his dog, his slave, whatever it is to keep him at my side. And he’s not with me, because he want’s to be with me. He’s with me just because I wanted to be with him, and he’s doing charity to be with him.

Last month, there was a time when I was confused and as moody as now. I prayed to God, I begged him to show me some directions of where I’m heading and where I should be going. I prayed to be shown some sort of signs before wishing goodbye to year 2006.

Nobody can ever understand God’s way of showing signs. I dare not to comment on the signs I see for myself now. I’m so afraid to think, and I really wish to turn back time to 1 or 2 year ago when everything was so perfect between us. When he was so sweet, caring and soft, and treated me like how any gentlemen would treat his girlfriends. Where every evening he would tell me stories of his day, and I would learn something about him everyday. Where I feel so close to him and as though we were soulmates. Where he tells me that he trust me, and I make absolutely sure that I do not breach his trust and tells him everything word for word.

But now he doesn't give a damn of what I do, and he proclaims that he does not trust me, which leads me to feel that.. "What is love without trust? since u do not trust me, no point in me being absolutely open & honest to you. Since you yrself have already shut me out of your life and not let me share anything of you anymore."

As usual I'll be the last to know anything. Plans of him going for carolling, I only got to know it on the Friday itself. I talk to him everyday, so it's impossible if he says he got no time to tell me about it earlier. I don't know if it's intentionally or unintentionally he told me so last minute... but the simple basic prinsip of life I always practise "If you treat me good, I'll treat you good. You tell me everything, I tell you everthing. You honest with me, I honest with you". That's all.

My yearly resolution, and the birthday wish I make every single year, I doubt he even has a clue on what I wish for every single year...