2 Days before and I’m burning up a fever. 2 Days before Christmas and I’m feeling at the bottom of a pile of shit, all alone, cold and having endless viruses & bacteria’s attacking me from every corner.
Christmas is for a time for sharing and spending time together. I thought that ever since he had to travel around the world, barely being around in town, we could catch up some time and spend more time together this festive season.
But looks like I’m in for some disappointment.
Past 2 years around Christmas time, we used to go around to different shopping complexes to admire the decorations and to get gifts for his nephew, nieces and family together.
This year, he barely had time for us together. There was a time when he was busy with work, and we both went our own ways. A time when he was never around town as he needs to travel every few weeks, and we both went our own ways too. Also, there was a time he put me in quarantine for being sick. Weekends he goes back Sban, and if he’s not there in Sban, means he’s back to KL early to meet his friends somewhere. Is there any other time left for us anymore?
Gone were the days we used to take walk at parks, go swimming, play squash, hang out every Friday, walk at malls to shop together etc.
This year during Christmas season, he only accompanied me to Mid Valley on a Sunday, that was after I complained that he has time to go play badminton with his colleagues and had absolutely no time for me. The 2nd time was when I said I wanted to watch Eragon, he had no choice but to come out with me to 1Utama.
Other then that, there was no other initiative’s of hanging out with me. He told me to go myself to buy gifts for his parents and family. Who does that? My friend works in KL, and she only get's to see her bf on weekends back in Melaka. Yet, he tells her "don't worry, come back and we'll shop together, so we can choose together".
It’s Christmas, the time for sharing. And I have only myself to share with this year.
I thought the Friday b4 Christmas, will be our usual hang out night, and we can go somewhere together alone and spend time, admire Christmas decorations and get into the mood of Christmas (as that particular Friday I know I don’t have to stay late in office and can bla early). But it all got dashed when he told me he took leave on Friday and is going back Sban on Friday. Nothing else was told, and only much later he said he has caroling on Friday and was invited by some girls, that’s why he’s going back to Sban in the afternoon. Then the past 2 years? Church took leave and they didn’t do caroling? What makes this year special compared to past 2 years?
It was just plain curiousity I asked about caroling last night when he called. Just curious on how many people will be going, how they go, and how they know which house to go? Is it houses of church members? Houses they just simply knock and go in? Or houses of church members friends? Old folks? Orphanages? Whom he hangs out with? Who is the people closest to him in church? What made him go for caroling this year and not the past 2 years? I just wanted to know… and all he told me was “what’s the point of explaining to you when you don’t even know who or what I’m talking about?”
I just wanted to know more about Christianity, more about his life to share. And those are the typical answers I get. Else he will just rub me away by saying “U are so stupid, pointless talking to you. Chun tet”. I do ask questions like this to my other friends, I just wanna know more about Christianity, the different groups there are and the way things are done – marriage, funerals, gatherings etc. Is it something wrong to ask if you don’t know?
I feel exhausted. After whole year of him traveling around, I thought that in December at least he will be around town and we can hang out and have some quality time together before he starts flying around again. But looks like, I have myself to communicate this year.
After he told me he has to go back Sban for caroling and spending Christmas there, I agreed to let my parents plan for our own Christmas dinner here. After all things are planned with my family, there he comes and demanded that I go to Sban for dinner. Hello?? I cannot be on standby for you 24hours all the time.
I really feel exhausted and drained. I just want to love a person who loves me back too. At this point of time, I feel like I’m the one at the “one-sided love” end.
He says things like “I bring you out, and yet you still show me long face”. I thought he went out with me because he wanted to see me and to spend time with me, not just hanging out with me as though I begged him for his company.
Things like “You do / say that somemore, you see whether I will leave you or not? I will stop talking to you forever”. It’s as though I’m begging him to be with me, I’ll be his dog, his slave, whatever it is to keep him at my side. And he’s not with me, because he want’s to be with me. He’s with me just because I wanted to be with him, and he’s doing charity to be with him.
Last month, there was a time when I was confused and as moody as now. I prayed to God, I begged him to show me some directions of where I’m heading and where I should be going. I prayed to be shown some sort of signs before wishing goodbye to year 2006.
Nobody can ever understand God’s way of showing signs. I dare not to comment on the signs I see for myself now. I’m so afraid to think, and I really wish to turn back time to 1 or 2 year ago when everything was so perfect between us. When he was so sweet, caring and soft, and treated me like how any gentlemen would treat his girlfriends. Where every evening he would tell me stories of his day, and I would learn something about him everyday. Where I feel so close to him and as though we were soulmates. Where he tells me that he trust me, and I make absolutely sure that I do not breach his trust and tells him everything word for word.
But now he doesn't give a damn of what I do, and he proclaims that he does not trust me, which leads me to feel that.. "What is love without trust? since u do not trust me, no point in me being absolutely open & honest to you. Since you yrself have already shut me out of your life and not let me share anything of you anymore."
As usual I'll be the last to know anything. Plans of him going for carolling, I only got to know it on the Friday itself. I talk to him everyday, so it's impossible if he says he got no time to tell me about it earlier. I don't know if it's intentionally or unintentionally he told me so last minute... but the simple basic prinsip of life I always practise "If you treat me good, I'll treat you good. You tell me everything, I tell you everthing. You honest with me, I honest with you". That's all.
My yearly resolution, and the birthday wish I make every single year, I doubt he even has a clue on what I wish for every single year...
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Christmas Carols
Christmas Carol’s
Funny, weird world. I just feel that nothing has been going right at all this last few weeks of year 2006.
Work sucks as usual, it’s getting harder to bear as days go by. From being extremely free and sitting around surfing net, this few weeks have been havoc and headache. I cannot even squeeze any time to sit and research / suft net for information regarding my assignment this module.
Work already sucks, and to top it up, I’m down with an awful cough full of phlegm and a nose full of mucus all stuck inside my nose blocking my breathing passage. Falling sick does not deter me, and won’t never dampen my spirit to still continue to go out and have fun. But there’s this old uncle by the name of Hyppo Poi (a self-proclaimed doctor) who decided I am sick, and I need more rest, and I should be quarantined at home until I recover. I waited and waited for a whole damn week, and those mucus & phlegm is so ever stubborn that it simply refuse to clear itself. I’m already on medication (not on a strict medication basis..) and yet the situation is not improving at all!
Actually I think, I’m only sick because I do not get to go out. Once I am out, I am allright. It’s Christmas for Goodness sake! All the complexes are nicely decorated with Christmas spirit and all, and he is making me sit at home while he get’s to go out and do his things.
Tonight, I went with Hyppo to his church’s Christmas dinner. It was really an experience for me. Whole night I just felt like disappearing and acting invinsible. I liked the Christmas songs, caroling, the performances and food.
It brings back a lot of memories to my school days when we used to go for caroling in groups. All the practices in school during the school holidays, followed by yam cha session or chit chat session. Carolling to the kids in orphanages, old folks, hospitals, and also to people in shopping complexes. I really liked Christmas songs and school days was really cool in Leo club.
The sweetest part of this whole drama this evening is, after he sent me home, He called me up on my hp to tell me I look beautiful tonight, he thanked me for accompanying him for the dinner, and he said he loved me. It reminds me of 2 years ago when I just met him. There were times when we go out for dates, and when he sends me home he used to tell me those things also. That was 2 years ago … after that, he stopped doing it, until tonight. It was so touching and sweet.
A lot of things happen around me this last few weeks of Year 2006. I remembered few weeks ago I prayed to God to show me some signs & guide me on where I should be heading. And guess what? God showed me way too many signs that I no longer know how to interpret it. I’m still left clueless.
It’s already 1am and I’m still chatting with my bestest buddy online. There’s no words to describe my bestest buddy, she and I both share the same mentality and we are so alike that we practically can read each other’s mind. The bad thing about it is, we both like to further confuse each other. It can be rather hazardous putting both of us together, but we really do not mean any real harm.
Funny, weird world. I just feel that nothing has been going right at all this last few weeks of year 2006.
Work sucks as usual, it’s getting harder to bear as days go by. From being extremely free and sitting around surfing net, this few weeks have been havoc and headache. I cannot even squeeze any time to sit and research / suft net for information regarding my assignment this module.
Work already sucks, and to top it up, I’m down with an awful cough full of phlegm and a nose full of mucus all stuck inside my nose blocking my breathing passage. Falling sick does not deter me, and won’t never dampen my spirit to still continue to go out and have fun. But there’s this old uncle by the name of Hyppo Poi (a self-proclaimed doctor) who decided I am sick, and I need more rest, and I should be quarantined at home until I recover. I waited and waited for a whole damn week, and those mucus & phlegm is so ever stubborn that it simply refuse to clear itself. I’m already on medication (not on a strict medication basis..) and yet the situation is not improving at all!
Actually I think, I’m only sick because I do not get to go out. Once I am out, I am allright. It’s Christmas for Goodness sake! All the complexes are nicely decorated with Christmas spirit and all, and he is making me sit at home while he get’s to go out and do his things.
Tonight, I went with Hyppo to his church’s Christmas dinner. It was really an experience for me. Whole night I just felt like disappearing and acting invinsible. I liked the Christmas songs, caroling, the performances and food.
It brings back a lot of memories to my school days when we used to go for caroling in groups. All the practices in school during the school holidays, followed by yam cha session or chit chat session. Carolling to the kids in orphanages, old folks, hospitals, and also to people in shopping complexes. I really liked Christmas songs and school days was really cool in Leo club.
The sweetest part of this whole drama this evening is, after he sent me home, He called me up on my hp to tell me I look beautiful tonight, he thanked me for accompanying him for the dinner, and he said he loved me. It reminds me of 2 years ago when I just met him. There were times when we go out for dates, and when he sends me home he used to tell me those things also. That was 2 years ago … after that, he stopped doing it, until tonight. It was so touching and sweet.
A lot of things happen around me this last few weeks of Year 2006. I remembered few weeks ago I prayed to God to show me some signs & guide me on where I should be heading. And guess what? God showed me way too many signs that I no longer know how to interpret it. I’m still left clueless.
It’s already 1am and I’m still chatting with my bestest buddy online. There’s no words to describe my bestest buddy, she and I both share the same mentality and we are so alike that we practically can read each other’s mind. The bad thing about it is, we both like to further confuse each other. It can be rather hazardous putting both of us together, but we really do not mean any real harm.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
Meeting "the" family
I wonder if it’s ever possible to be with a guy, and never ever have to meet his family.
Chinese New Year and Christmas time is the time I look forward to (bcos of the holidays), and also dread at the same time… *sigh*
Meeting the immediate family itself is already horrific for me. One father, one mother, TWO sisters and a brother, and each siblings with TWO kids. There’s already so many of them.
When it comes to eating together, or going somewhere together.. gosh.. I’ll have few sleepless nights 1st before that day comes. That’s the time they find out that I don’t eat a lot of things, and in front of them I have to pretend to like everything and just swallow whatever is on my plate.
I thought I’ve gotten over the worst of them all, meeting the siblings and parents. But looks like the worst have yet to begin…
I forgot the thing about his old buddies and his RELATIVES which includes about 10 uncle aunties families, and also all the cousin brothers and sister’s which comes with it. And that’s not all… There’s another group of people called his church members!
At this point of state, I just feel like buying an air ticket to Africa and just tell his parents I cannot make it for Christmas because I’m in Africa being chased by Elephants.
Our 1st Christmas together, nothing was expected from me, and I spent it with my uni mates while he went back to spend with his family. 2nd Christmas was memorable and we spent it together with his whole family in Audrey’s place in KL. It was actually my 1st time counting down to Christmas that way, in a family. Usually for me it’s just sitting in CyberWorld waiting to countdown for Christmas with some friends, or hanging out somewhere and waiting for the midnight to wish my friends and then go home to sleep.
It was a good Christmas last year, but I still felt shy and scared being around his family. I feel akward. I thought I can somehow run away and avoid Christmas this year, but somehow I got caught before I can say anything.
I was with his parents when his mom asked him whether he was going back Sban for the Church dinner. And she suddenly turned and asked me “Winnie, u want to come for the dinner?”. My Gosh, I was just so dumbstruck that I felt as though someone just punched me on the face. I had no excuse or anything, and I was prepared for it. And next thing I know, Andrew said his parents got me a ticket already.
I’m just way so terrified. I mean, I know it’s a good sign when a guy brings u back home and introduces u to his family, relatives, friends etc etc. But… I just don’t feel ready. I felt it’s too early to meet his relatives or church members.
There’s many many things which bothers me about all this meeting / gathering stuff.
Have to then worry about my dressing, my behaviour, the way I speak, walk, talk, eat and what other people would think of me. Then for sure, as I'm the alien in the place alot of people are bound to pay extra attention to me. *sigh*.
Worst of all, the ever favorite question people would like to ask “so how long have you known him”, “when getting married ah?”. Man… on average, I hear that question at least ONCE every month!
I don’t quite mind meeting his friends. But when it comes to Church and relatives, I feel it’s just so… scary!
On a serious side, I guess, end of the day, from the bottom of my heart, I’m afraid to attend functions like this is because I’m afraid of what will happen if the relationship doesn’t work out.
He gets pissed off with me all the time and says I got bad taste, I’m stupid. I dunno when will be the day when he finally decides he has enough of me, and that he’s thoroughly fed up and gives up on me. There will also come a day when he finds / meet someone smarter, prettier and more suitable for him, and he will then forget who I am. There’s just so many girls out there who are better then me. I’m just plain, simple, stupid me.
Most of the time, I always feel that he is still here entertaining me, just because his dream girl have not revealed herself. I somehow feel and know, I’m not his dream girl and not the person he’s looking for. When that person shows up in his life, I’ll be a nobody again. I just feel .. insecure. He always talks about finding a new girl and all that, I just don’t know when he will really go do that. I don't know how long more he will continue be with me, and I don't know when he will leave me.
Life is just so sad sometimes.. Ironic.
I wonder if true love really exist? Can 2 person really love each other with all their heart? Will there be someone who can completely be 100% true to me and loves me as much as I do? Who can make me feel secured.
Chinese New Year and Christmas time is the time I look forward to (bcos of the holidays), and also dread at the same time… *sigh*
Meeting the immediate family itself is already horrific for me. One father, one mother, TWO sisters and a brother, and each siblings with TWO kids. There’s already so many of them.
When it comes to eating together, or going somewhere together.. gosh.. I’ll have few sleepless nights 1st before that day comes. That’s the time they find out that I don’t eat a lot of things, and in front of them I have to pretend to like everything and just swallow whatever is on my plate.
I thought I’ve gotten over the worst of them all, meeting the siblings and parents. But looks like the worst have yet to begin…
I forgot the thing about his old buddies and his RELATIVES which includes about 10 uncle aunties families, and also all the cousin brothers and sister’s which comes with it. And that’s not all… There’s another group of people called his church members!
At this point of state, I just feel like buying an air ticket to Africa and just tell his parents I cannot make it for Christmas because I’m in Africa being chased by Elephants.
Our 1st Christmas together, nothing was expected from me, and I spent it with my uni mates while he went back to spend with his family. 2nd Christmas was memorable and we spent it together with his whole family in Audrey’s place in KL. It was actually my 1st time counting down to Christmas that way, in a family. Usually for me it’s just sitting in CyberWorld waiting to countdown for Christmas with some friends, or hanging out somewhere and waiting for the midnight to wish my friends and then go home to sleep.
It was a good Christmas last year, but I still felt shy and scared being around his family. I feel akward. I thought I can somehow run away and avoid Christmas this year, but somehow I got caught before I can say anything.
I was with his parents when his mom asked him whether he was going back Sban for the Church dinner. And she suddenly turned and asked me “Winnie, u want to come for the dinner?”. My Gosh, I was just so dumbstruck that I felt as though someone just punched me on the face. I had no excuse or anything, and I was prepared for it. And next thing I know, Andrew said his parents got me a ticket already.
I’m just way so terrified. I mean, I know it’s a good sign when a guy brings u back home and introduces u to his family, relatives, friends etc etc. But… I just don’t feel ready. I felt it’s too early to meet his relatives or church members.
There’s many many things which bothers me about all this meeting / gathering stuff.
Have to then worry about my dressing, my behaviour, the way I speak, walk, talk, eat and what other people would think of me. Then for sure, as I'm the alien in the place alot of people are bound to pay extra attention to me. *sigh*.
Worst of all, the ever favorite question people would like to ask “so how long have you known him”, “when getting married ah?”. Man… on average, I hear that question at least ONCE every month!
I don’t quite mind meeting his friends. But when it comes to Church and relatives, I feel it’s just so… scary!
On a serious side, I guess, end of the day, from the bottom of my heart, I’m afraid to attend functions like this is because I’m afraid of what will happen if the relationship doesn’t work out.
He gets pissed off with me all the time and says I got bad taste, I’m stupid. I dunno when will be the day when he finally decides he has enough of me, and that he’s thoroughly fed up and gives up on me. There will also come a day when he finds / meet someone smarter, prettier and more suitable for him, and he will then forget who I am. There’s just so many girls out there who are better then me. I’m just plain, simple, stupid me.
Most of the time, I always feel that he is still here entertaining me, just because his dream girl have not revealed herself. I somehow feel and know, I’m not his dream girl and not the person he’s looking for. When that person shows up in his life, I’ll be a nobody again. I just feel .. insecure. He always talks about finding a new girl and all that, I just don’t know when he will really go do that. I don't know how long more he will continue be with me, and I don't know when he will leave me.
Life is just so sad sometimes.. Ironic.
I wonder if true love really exist? Can 2 person really love each other with all their heart? Will there be someone who can completely be 100% true to me and loves me as much as I do? Who can make me feel secured.
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