My 24th Birthday....
Oh Boy... I sure feel the pinch now. It just felt like yesterday when I celebrated my 21st Bday. When I was happily celebrating my 'freedom' of getting the 'key'. And now I am fast approaching my Mid 20'ies.
Felt the pinch even more when I was surfing around Friendster a while ago. Came across my STPM fren's profile. My girl frens from school, sure looked very feminine and grown up now. No more like school time when we just tomboy tomboy bumming around. I suppose, the only person whom I don't really see much difference in is just Pussy cat. Pussy during school days, and Pussy now still looks the same. But besides her, all my other frens really changed.... even the most tomboy of all from school days, now have long hair, and wears dresses...looking so femine. And looking so matures... Oh man... Mid 20'ies is here.
That just leaves 6 more years to go before I approach my 30'ies. By the time I complete my master's, I'm already 26 years old. Gosh....
allrito..better stop yakking about my age. It's depressing.
Shall Blog about today....
Woke up this morning, and went for Uncle Raj's daughter's - Gayathri's wedding in brickfield. It was in a temple, the hall was air-cond and it was quite ok'ler...at least it wasn't hot and stuffy, and while waiting for the bride and groom there were people serving snacks around. It was also sad to hear that few days ago before the big day, Uncle Raj's mother in law passed away from heart attack. No wonder why when Uncle Raj and his daughter walked into the hall, they both kind of looked stoned. Not like how a bride and her dad should look.
After the wedding, got home, then went to Popo's house with mom and vivien. Just went to visit her and after that stopped by Amcorp mall to walk around awhile. Whoa, I ended up buying a Handbag, a sandals and a Mickey mouse baby-t.. All for RM 66, and I'm happy with all the items. I really liked the handbag, I find it really cool. The sandals is real comfortable, and the mickey mouse baby-t was great. I had RM50 from Friday, given to me by Kalethe. I borrowed RM16 from mom today for my shopping. So in a way, can say that these 3 items are all gifts from Kalethe, and I'm really happy with it.
After he goes to Switzerland, I know what I should ask him to get for me. I won't mind having another bottle of perfume. My perfume is already 3/4 finished.
Anywaayyy...after my day shopping in Amcorp, we stopped by Aunty Choo's place for a while before going home.
In the evening, we had seafood at Kayu ara. Kalethe joined us, and it really made me happy. It just shows that my parents have accepted him into our family, and I really like the idea. At first mom asked how many of us going for dinner. So I just told her just the few of us, the normal'lar... And mom immediately, said, so 6 of us issit? She have included Andrew in as part of the family.
Anyway, through out diner, Kalethe was pretty quiet. The minute he gets out of my dad's ear sight, he starts complaining that dad talks too much. But what to do wor.... my bro just appear back home so late, and somehow, each time he shows his face, my parents gets agitated. And dad starts talking alot. But that's just part of him, he loves to talk. As he barely eats much, there's nothing for him to do other then to talk.
After dinner, Kalethe came over to have cake and abit of wine at my place. For 2 years I have been going out with him, I've never seen him sitting down and talk to my dad before. Tonite was the 1st time. Probably it's bcos he and dad both also drank abit of wine before that already...so they're both more comfortable. Interesting to see them both talking to each other. But I suppose, I myself had a fair bit of drink arleady that I was whoozie and dunno wat they talking about. I just focused on the TV and tried to stay awake before Kalethe starts teasing me.
After that all, Kalethe went home, and since then, I've been hanging online chatting and chatting and chatting. Now it is time for bed.
Nites.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, happyyyy birthdaaaayyyy to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Haha.. ok, it's 5 minutes past midnite, and Eeyore have just called to wish me.
Hmm, let's see. Shanwan wished me at 11.30pm. Yokey at 10.30 said it is already past midnite for her (Australian time).
And yes yes! Eeyore's the first to wish me happy bday ON my bday. Same as last year...just that last year he was right beside me, and now it's thru the phone.
This is my 3rd Bday celebrating with him by my side. 1st year bday wish was thru phone, 2nd year bday wish he was right beside me, and now the 3rd one is again thru phone. So I suppose my 4th bday wish he'll be beside me again.. sure hope so.
Haha.. ok, it's 5 minutes past midnite, and Eeyore have just called to wish me.
Hmm, let's see. Shanwan wished me at 11.30pm. Yokey at 10.30 said it is already past midnite for her (Australian time).
And yes yes! Eeyore's the first to wish me happy bday ON my bday. Same as last year...just that last year he was right beside me, and now it's thru the phone.
This is my 3rd Bday celebrating with him by my side. 1st year bday wish was thru phone, 2nd year bday wish he was right beside me, and now the 3rd one is again thru phone. So I suppose my 4th bday wish he'll be beside me again.. sure hope so.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Cannot sleep
23rd April. 3.15am
The feeling of not being able to sleep at night, is really torturing. I took a nap on Saturday afternoon, it was meant to be a short nap but I overslept, and dozed off for about 3 hours until 6pm.
An now, at 3.30am, I am unable to sleep. I did manage to doze off for about an hour from the time frame of 1am – 2am. Somehow I woke up at 2plus, and find myself unable to sleep again until now. Each time I am close to falling asleep, disturbing thoughts will enter my mind, and thus waking me up and making me feel very alert again.
In work, a lot of things is based on checklist. Need to make sure, this this that that is done in a correct manner. If it is like this, then it should be done that way etc. So when I am halfway falling asleep, I somehow have this mental checklist… Am I sleeping correctly. To go to sleep, I need to fulfill this criteria, I need to complete this question of why I need to sleep. If I cannot complete, then wake up, I cannot sleep. Whatever it is, I really cannot define properly…but it is just like that…end of the day, I wake up, and can’t sleep again.
Then all the other thoughts will enter my mind. My Master’s programme…am I really gonna go ahead with it? I really do wanna do it…but cos it involves upfront payment of RM30k, I really wanna think about I properly. Then, there’s the issue about my pay, how much increment my agent will give. After the RM30K for the Master’s course, I’ll gonna have tight financial’s. My savings will go 0, means I won’t have any savings, and i’ll have to start saving from scratch. Therefore my monthly salary will define how much savings’s I can have, and from there I will know whether I can afford to do any traveling in the near future.
I love to travel, I love to go visiting other places. But after using the money on Master’s course, that will mean no traveling for me, at least for another 2 years or so. And then there’s the promise with Suba to go to Rome… Wonder how long more I need to save to achieve financial stability that can enable me to go travel again. The last trip I went was the trip to Medan with my parents. That’s many years ago. At least, the last 2 years I know I didn’t travel anywhere at all.
I do wish there is some one whom I can talk to, and share with. It’s difficult to talk to him regarding all this, because before I can tell him my views, he’ll have his own suggestions and views cutting me short. Worst of all, when I called him that day and ask how much does he think I should demand from my agent… he tell me to decide on my own. He is annoying in a way. I only ask him, cos I don’t know…and when I don’t know something I turn to him, hoping he can help. And as usual, he will say “up to you”. Very nonsentical, when you ask him for advise he’ll tell u “I dunno”. When u don’t ask him for advise, when you are just talking and discussing something with him, he’ll give you thousand and one advises on what u should do. Sometimes come to think of it huh..talking to him will really give you high blood pressure.
Other then that, when it is nothing related to work, to studies or anything ‘serious’…he is fun to have around. But when it is like any work related problems, or “big decisions” which I have to make, and affects my life…asking him is a waste of energy. He’ll have 2 extreme ends… Either he will just cut u off and refuse to listen to what u say, and give his list of suggestions (which if you refuse to listen to it, you are in deep shit… cos his theory is – if u ask him for suggestions, and he gives it, you have to follow. Else u are wasting his time) OR, he’ll just answer u very shortly “up to you”.
In a way, like what I blogged earlier about “chun tet”… I know and I can feel it in a way, that to him, I am an idiotic brainless chun tet girl. The only reason why he stays with me, is because he says he cannot find another stupid girl like me who loves him and accepts him. Makes me feel even more brainless. Everything I say or do, is always wrong to him. And when I ever do tell him anything, he won’t listen…cos everything I say or do, is chun tet and brainless..no point listening to me. He is the ‘master’…the one who is always right.
I just called him today to discuss about the diving, about how much time we have, and when he is targeting to go, so I can try to arrange with my friends and see how, if I go with them, or I go alone. He just doesn’t care. When he already arrange with his friends, he expects everybody to listen and follow him, to change our schedules to fit into his. But when I already arrange with my frens, that is not-important… I have to make my frens change schedules also to fit his friends one. I know I’m blogging in circles…Probably nobody else will understand what I’m blogging except for myself. Anyway, It’s just that, he always be-little’s me. Make me feel un-important and that he is king…everything he say or do, everyone must follow. I have no say. I called to discuss only, and he was already yelling there saying that he arranged wit his friends already. If my fren canot make it, then too bad. It was already so many times in the past his fren ffk, yet…. Sigh..i nothing to say. In the first place, I didn’t even ask his fren to change schedules… I was just saying that I join my fren another week…then he starts to act like that already…without even waiting to listen finish what I have to say.
Other then that, he is a great guy. I mean, when we don’t go out, over the phone or via sms, just talking nonsence, he is ok. Just that as I said…when ‘serious’ things are concerned..it is just a waste of time talking to him. He makes fun of everything I say, so that ‘serious’ things bcome like a joke to him. Try seriously talking to him, trying to map my future career…he’ll just come and bomb you with “decide on your own..i don’t know you”. Oh goodness… If I know, I won’t turn to you to discuss with you. I don’t expect anyone to have any answers for me, but at least perhaps some suggestions will do? To guide me at least? Anyhow also, I turn to him cos he is my bf, and also cos he is older then me…of cos I expect him to guide me. And if I press the question further, trying to get help to find my path… he’ll start to get pissed off and say “you go home and decide for yourself”. Damn. You might as well just not say anything.
After that happened, I thought to myself…perhaps everybody will also say the same thing. So I went and try on other frens who are abit older then me. It is not that kind of reaction which they give me. I mean, they don’t have answers for me, but they tried to help by suggesting things, and listen to me, try to analyse with me. They dun just shut me off.
As I said…one reason why I think he always shuts me off, is cos he thinks I’m not good enough for him. I mean, I know I’m not good enough for him. In his mind, I’m not ‘sing mok’, not smart enuf for him…. Tat’s why whatever I say or do, bcomes unimportant. I am here only as a companion, for him to bully, tease, and make fun off. What an interesting role I play as a gf huh? The most interesting part of all this is...despite all this, I still like him for who he is. Real stupid huh?
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Lunch Partners
Today was really difficult to get myself out of bed. And when I did get myself up and go to office, it was none stop work all the way till lunch time.
Recently also, I seemed to have change lunch partners. My usual lunch partners have all gone different ways ... The one who got married off to Sri Lanka in December is now pregnant with her first child over there. My partner who sits beside me, is busy with her new found bf, and seems busy with her own crisis between her family & bf.. but anyway, she has another good old buddy who recently joined IBM and they hang out together. Another old lunch buddy has recently developed the liking of ta-pau food from downstairs.. influencing the other 2 girls who sits beside her.
Anyway, so in the end, these days I end up hanging out with my 2 new found friends. It is different hanging out with this 2 people, compared to my usual gang. With the new gang, they seemed to be more knowledgable and the things they talk about whether work related or anything else, it's always interesting and well... feeding me with information. In work, they are always curious and want to learn more about the solutions and products... So they in a way, they educate me also when they do their reading ups. When I go out with my old partners, nobody bothers about the products or solutions.
So far, she seems still ok with the project I gave her to handle. Abit blur, but at least I find out that she is not copying and pasting everything, that she reads and she is aware of what we are proposing. That, I have to give her credit for it. At least with her around, I have 1 less project to worry about, and I feel more at ease to let her handle it.
And then also, my current lunch partners are more out-going and fun also... working life in office is just so boring then we need to spice it up. Like the last time Zach invited us to go 1utama... So many times in the past he invited me & my old buddies out for lunch, but they declined. But with the new partners, they don't mind. They are not fussy with food, and know how to enjoy the precious 1 hour lunch time.
Today also I followed them out to the other section of IBM as one of them needed to go to Bank. At least, it is good that I don't have to lunch in Taman Tun 5 days a week.
Another interesting fact I noticed about my lunch dates.. I find it amazing that his car can have more soft toys then the toys I throw into Eeyore's car. At least I throw only 1 Patrick and 1 Dolphin. This guy's car, he has a koala bear, mashi maro, a doggie tissue box, some cartoon car seat head set, a small cute rubbish bin, 2 small cute furry cushions with cartoon in the middle, and a few soft toys sitting around in the car. Even more amazing is that, b4 I ever saw his car, just his own personality his outlook...he doesn't strike me as a guy who likes soft toys... he doesn't look extra sissy or macho... he just looks like an ordinary guy. With the soft side and passion for collecting toys and miniature...eh...i'm lost for words...those doll like figurins.
I kinda missed my Eeyore now. Last nite he was so cute. While sending me home, on his CD player it was playing "you look beautiful tonite"... he was driving and was stroking my head and singing that phrase "you look beautiful tonite"... hehe, so adorable of him. He really does treat me good 'sometimes'... as in, if I ask him to accompany me go anywhere, like yesterday for a game of squash, he'll come. But of cos, If I don't ask, he won't ask me out either... I have to ask always.
I'm tired...and as Wai Ki Ki said to me before he logged off, I need to rest my brains and charge it up for tomorrow's usage before it goes brain dead.
Recently also, I seemed to have change lunch partners. My usual lunch partners have all gone different ways ... The one who got married off to Sri Lanka in December is now pregnant with her first child over there. My partner who sits beside me, is busy with her new found bf, and seems busy with her own crisis between her family & bf.. but anyway, she has another good old buddy who recently joined IBM and they hang out together. Another old lunch buddy has recently developed the liking of ta-pau food from downstairs.. influencing the other 2 girls who sits beside her.
Anyway, so in the end, these days I end up hanging out with my 2 new found friends. It is different hanging out with this 2 people, compared to my usual gang. With the new gang, they seemed to be more knowledgable and the things they talk about whether work related or anything else, it's always interesting and well... feeding me with information. In work, they are always curious and want to learn more about the solutions and products... So they in a way, they educate me also when they do their reading ups. When I go out with my old partners, nobody bothers about the products or solutions.
So far, she seems still ok with the project I gave her to handle. Abit blur, but at least I find out that she is not copying and pasting everything, that she reads and she is aware of what we are proposing. That, I have to give her credit for it. At least with her around, I have 1 less project to worry about, and I feel more at ease to let her handle it.
And then also, my current lunch partners are more out-going and fun also... working life in office is just so boring then we need to spice it up. Like the last time Zach invited us to go 1utama... So many times in the past he invited me & my old buddies out for lunch, but they declined. But with the new partners, they don't mind. They are not fussy with food, and know how to enjoy the precious 1 hour lunch time.
Today also I followed them out to the other section of IBM as one of them needed to go to Bank. At least, it is good that I don't have to lunch in Taman Tun 5 days a week.
Another interesting fact I noticed about my lunch dates.. I find it amazing that his car can have more soft toys then the toys I throw into Eeyore's car. At least I throw only 1 Patrick and 1 Dolphin. This guy's car, he has a koala bear, mashi maro, a doggie tissue box, some cartoon car seat head set, a small cute rubbish bin, 2 small cute furry cushions with cartoon in the middle, and a few soft toys sitting around in the car. Even more amazing is that, b4 I ever saw his car, just his own personality his outlook...he doesn't strike me as a guy who likes soft toys... he doesn't look extra sissy or macho... he just looks like an ordinary guy. With the soft side and passion for collecting toys and miniature...eh...i'm lost for words...those doll like figurins.
I kinda missed my Eeyore now. Last nite he was so cute. While sending me home, on his CD player it was playing "you look beautiful tonite"... he was driving and was stroking my head and singing that phrase "you look beautiful tonite"... hehe, so adorable of him. He really does treat me good 'sometimes'... as in, if I ask him to accompany me go anywhere, like yesterday for a game of squash, he'll come. But of cos, If I don't ask, he won't ask me out either... I have to ask always.
I'm tired...and as Wai Ki Ki said to me before he logged off, I need to rest my brains and charge it up for tomorrow's usage before it goes brain dead.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
"Chun Tet" = Stupid
Today is my 2nd day of leave in a row. The last leave I have to clear, the last day where my contract expires too. Agent says she cannot confirm the amount of my increment yet, IBM haven't issue PO for me to sign my contract renewal and it sucks to be working after my contract expires and not knowing about my increment.
I am triple tasking while blogging now. TV is on, I'm blogging, and eating my burger. There's so much I wanna blog about, but don't know where to start.
First of all, I found out today that Eeyore still snoops into my Blog. He hasn't been reading my Blog for a long time, and recently somehow he seems to read it. I just blogged about the Spore trip few days ago, and today he is teasing me about it already. Reminds me to be more careful about the things I blog in here, and mind my words.
Secondly, about my day. Today is my mom's birthday, and also the day my contract expires. As mentioned above, I don't know my increment. This morning, this old uncle woke me up at 9+am, I got so annoyed that I refuse to answer his call. He left a voice mail for me, asking me to create a document and email it out. And also, of all times, my lotus notes decides to crash on me. I couldn't get my Lotus notes to connect to the server and my AT&T keeps disconnecting, which I guess should be cos my wireless connection at home is unstable. Called me 1 time nevermind wor, later in the morning I already sent out the file and already noted in the email said I was on leave, he called me again. Bengang betul. Of cos I didn't answer. And another time in the afternoon he called.
I was at that stage of... "what the heck man.. I'm only a contract worker. I dont give a damn to the project. I'm on leave so I 100% let go". Easy to say lar..but hard to do. Anyway, I did quite well. After I went out for lunch, I refused to do any office work for the rest of the day, and refused to pick up any office calls.
Anyway, my family and I went to Greenview for lunch to celebrate for mom. It was a rather late lunch, and very filling too. After that, about 3pm I took mom to 1Utama to walk around awhile and get some groceries. Then in the evening, I had a game of squash with Eeyore. That's when I start to realise something.
Part 1, as the title of my blog says "Chun Tet". This is what I realised today. I have to admit I am really stupid and dumb, and somehow, Eeyore is the only one who makes me see and feel stupid. I mean........ in front of others, I don't find myselt utterly smart, or extremely stupid. I just feel "normal". In some areas I am smart, and I know my stuff. And other area's I know i'm a doop.
Like when I talk to my older friends (I'll have to refer to "older" friends, cos Eeyore belongs to the "older" category.) occasionally, I may not understand 100% when they talk politics or about business. But I do understand abit, and make myself not sound so stupid while talking, or rather they don't make me feel stupid, and I don't feel that way. Whether or not they know the true facts that I know 0 about what they talking about, doesn't matter. As long as they dun see me as stupid. But it's abit difficult at times, when they start talking about stuff which I barely understand, and I don't know how to ask... cos for the reason I don't wanna sound stupid.
Whatever it is, bottom line.... I know I am stupid, but I don't feel so when I am with others. But when with Eeyore, I feel utterly useless, stupid, idiotic, baboon and extremely a tin kosong.
It didn't feel so bad, until recently when I always end up doing stupid things, he starts to call me "chun Tet" or something... First few times he did it, it was just a joke. I didn't give it much thought. But each time I go out with him, I notice there's always a reason, something I say or do, which makes him call me "chun tet"... and it makes me start to wonder... maybe I am really that idiotic afterall.
Look... I'm on leave, but don't know what the heck I bother working. Who will know or who cares that I'm working when I actually got my leave approved? My increment... until the day I expired today, I was still unable to get my agent to give me a satisfactory answer on how much increment I will get.
And then, the other day I went Mid Valley with Eeyore on a Friday night. First we went to play those Arcade games. Played those dancing things which you press the buttons .. Of cos, don't have to say, I lost badly in that game lar. Early early I already lost in that game. Ok, nvm...went on next to car racing. First I was leading...and somehow, ended up I lost by quite a margin... few minutes. 2 times I lost already in games...nvm, proably cos it's just not my turf, I barely play games afterall.
Next, went on to the Pool table. Even more this is a game I barely play... but yet, I just cannot get the ball to go in. I did try my best, but each time I tried to concentrate on the balls's angle on how I should shoot, I see Eeyores face there leering at me, I jst cannot concentrate. Cos I know what he'll do next, he'll say "chun tet" when I miss, and starts to laugh. Or on good days, He'll ask me to try again, and if i missed again, he'll look annoyed with that look "why are u so stupid that u can miss" on his face. Haih... last time when I initially started to play pool with my other friends, it didn't feel this bad. Nobody tease me, and at the most, they correct my position and posture. But with Eeyore, each time before I take my aim, I will have that sort of feeling "he's gonna call me stupid again, I'm so stupid, I sure will miss".. and end of the day, I miss.
Ah...that's not all.. Finally, we went to Bowling. I thought, ok'lar...bowling I'm not that horrible... I can do it. I was doing well... or at least, I thought I was. Until the last ball. Again, yes....u guessed it! I lost! Hah... I give up man...
I just feel so stupid...I'm stupid, stupid stupid. Don't need to say, yes, I lost in todays game also. I cannot even start my ball properly with him, cos he kept teasing me for missing. 1 miss, he tease me, and the rest of the ball goes all over the place except for the right place it's suppose to go. After the game today, only I realise that I'm so useless. It's no fun. And he'll say it's no fun to challenge me anything, cos I always lose afterall.
I understand, and I know he didn't mean it to call me Chun Tet or by teasing me each time I lose. Cos he's just stating facts.... I am indeed stupid.
I so stupid that I can eat burger until I stomach ache now.
There'll probably just come a day when he'll wake up 1 day, and realise how stupid I am. And that he'll fall for a better, smarter girl and leave me.
I don't mean to do stupid things or sound stupid in front of it. Thinking back... it is just cos I feel comfortable with him, he is my boyfriend and there's nothing I need to hide from him. So there's anythin I really don't know or don't understand, I ask him straight. I needn't pretend to understand, just cos I don't wanna sound stupid. And he calls me stupid for asking..
Sigh..perhaps in future I should just keep my mouth shut. Put on a "smart" look, my "office look", so everyone will think I know everything, the smartest of all. It's exhausting....
Office is exhausting, I don't know where my career is heading. I am not 100% sure I wanna do masters, as 30K is a big gamble and I don't wanna regret it. And I still feel so stupid being around with him. Ahh... I don't mind losing games when I play with him, I guess that is something expected already.... but's it's just he teases me and really really emphasizes how stupid I am.
I am stupid, stupid stupid... Time to sleep, tomorrow need to go back office to do stupid things lagi.
I am triple tasking while blogging now. TV is on, I'm blogging, and eating my burger. There's so much I wanna blog about, but don't know where to start.
First of all, I found out today that Eeyore still snoops into my Blog. He hasn't been reading my Blog for a long time, and recently somehow he seems to read it. I just blogged about the Spore trip few days ago, and today he is teasing me about it already. Reminds me to be more careful about the things I blog in here, and mind my words.
Secondly, about my day. Today is my mom's birthday, and also the day my contract expires. As mentioned above, I don't know my increment. This morning, this old uncle woke me up at 9+am, I got so annoyed that I refuse to answer his call. He left a voice mail for me, asking me to create a document and email it out. And also, of all times, my lotus notes decides to crash on me. I couldn't get my Lotus notes to connect to the server and my AT&T keeps disconnecting, which I guess should be cos my wireless connection at home is unstable. Called me 1 time nevermind wor, later in the morning I already sent out the file and already noted in the email said I was on leave, he called me again. Bengang betul. Of cos I didn't answer. And another time in the afternoon he called.
I was at that stage of... "what the heck man.. I'm only a contract worker. I dont give a damn to the project. I'm on leave so I 100% let go". Easy to say lar..but hard to do. Anyway, I did quite well. After I went out for lunch, I refused to do any office work for the rest of the day, and refused to pick up any office calls.
Anyway, my family and I went to Greenview for lunch to celebrate for mom. It was a rather late lunch, and very filling too. After that, about 3pm I took mom to 1Utama to walk around awhile and get some groceries. Then in the evening, I had a game of squash with Eeyore. That's when I start to realise something.
Part 1, as the title of my blog says "Chun Tet". This is what I realised today. I have to admit I am really stupid and dumb, and somehow, Eeyore is the only one who makes me see and feel stupid. I mean........ in front of others, I don't find myselt utterly smart, or extremely stupid. I just feel "normal". In some areas I am smart, and I know my stuff. And other area's I know i'm a doop.
Like when I talk to my older friends (I'll have to refer to "older" friends, cos Eeyore belongs to the "older" category.) occasionally, I may not understand 100% when they talk politics or about business. But I do understand abit, and make myself not sound so stupid while talking, or rather they don't make me feel stupid, and I don't feel that way. Whether or not they know the true facts that I know 0 about what they talking about, doesn't matter. As long as they dun see me as stupid. But it's abit difficult at times, when they start talking about stuff which I barely understand, and I don't know how to ask... cos for the reason I don't wanna sound stupid.
Whatever it is, bottom line.... I know I am stupid, but I don't feel so when I am with others. But when with Eeyore, I feel utterly useless, stupid, idiotic, baboon and extremely a tin kosong.
It didn't feel so bad, until recently when I always end up doing stupid things, he starts to call me "chun Tet" or something... First few times he did it, it was just a joke. I didn't give it much thought. But each time I go out with him, I notice there's always a reason, something I say or do, which makes him call me "chun tet"... and it makes me start to wonder... maybe I am really that idiotic afterall.
Look... I'm on leave, but don't know what the heck I bother working. Who will know or who cares that I'm working when I actually got my leave approved? My increment... until the day I expired today, I was still unable to get my agent to give me a satisfactory answer on how much increment I will get.
And then, the other day I went Mid Valley with Eeyore on a Friday night. First we went to play those Arcade games. Played those dancing things which you press the buttons .. Of cos, don't have to say, I lost badly in that game lar. Early early I already lost in that game. Ok, nvm...went on next to car racing. First I was leading...and somehow, ended up I lost by quite a margin... few minutes. 2 times I lost already in games...nvm, proably cos it's just not my turf, I barely play games afterall.
Next, went on to the Pool table. Even more this is a game I barely play... but yet, I just cannot get the ball to go in. I did try my best, but each time I tried to concentrate on the balls's angle on how I should shoot, I see Eeyores face there leering at me, I jst cannot concentrate. Cos I know what he'll do next, he'll say "chun tet" when I miss, and starts to laugh. Or on good days, He'll ask me to try again, and if i missed again, he'll look annoyed with that look "why are u so stupid that u can miss" on his face. Haih... last time when I initially started to play pool with my other friends, it didn't feel this bad. Nobody tease me, and at the most, they correct my position and posture. But with Eeyore, each time before I take my aim, I will have that sort of feeling "he's gonna call me stupid again, I'm so stupid, I sure will miss".. and end of the day, I miss.
Ah...that's not all.. Finally, we went to Bowling. I thought, ok'lar...bowling I'm not that horrible... I can do it. I was doing well... or at least, I thought I was. Until the last ball. Again, yes....u guessed it! I lost! Hah... I give up man...
I just feel so stupid...I'm stupid, stupid stupid. Don't need to say, yes, I lost in todays game also. I cannot even start my ball properly with him, cos he kept teasing me for missing. 1 miss, he tease me, and the rest of the ball goes all over the place except for the right place it's suppose to go. After the game today, only I realise that I'm so useless. It's no fun. And he'll say it's no fun to challenge me anything, cos I always lose afterall.
I understand, and I know he didn't mean it to call me Chun Tet or by teasing me each time I lose. Cos he's just stating facts.... I am indeed stupid.
I so stupid that I can eat burger until I stomach ache now.
There'll probably just come a day when he'll wake up 1 day, and realise how stupid I am. And that he'll fall for a better, smarter girl and leave me.
I don't mean to do stupid things or sound stupid in front of it. Thinking back... it is just cos I feel comfortable with him, he is my boyfriend and there's nothing I need to hide from him. So there's anythin I really don't know or don't understand, I ask him straight. I needn't pretend to understand, just cos I don't wanna sound stupid. And he calls me stupid for asking..
Sigh..perhaps in future I should just keep my mouth shut. Put on a "smart" look, my "office look", so everyone will think I know everything, the smartest of all. It's exhausting....
Office is exhausting, I don't know where my career is heading. I am not 100% sure I wanna do masters, as 30K is a big gamble and I don't wanna regret it. And I still feel so stupid being around with him. Ahh... I don't mind losing games when I play with him, I guess that is something expected already.... but's it's just he teases me and really really emphasizes how stupid I am.
I am stupid, stupid stupid... Time to sleep, tomorrow need to go back office to do stupid things lagi.
Mom's Birthday Celebration
17th April 2006
This year we had another surprise bday dinner gathering for my mom. 5 of us family was there, including Andrew, Ema, Weng Seng, Carine, Aunty Choo, Girly and Uncle Chan. We went Shogun for dinner at 1Utama.
Food everything was ok, just that I got annoyed with Eeyore for kept forcing me to eat foods which I don't wanna eat. Then moreover it was in front of my parents he forcing me to eat the food. He is a big fat bully.
A day after the dinner also my mom was complaining and complaining about the gathering we threw for her. hehe She said she was embarassed..
I'm on leave on Monday and Tuesday, trying to enjoy myself, but still had to work from home. Internet connection also is driving me nuts as it's very unstable. At times I'll wonder...why do I bother working so hard? End of the day, I'm just a Contract Staff... I don't understand why I bother working. Guess I'll just stop working now and just go to sleep
This year we had another surprise bday dinner gathering for my mom. 5 of us family was there, including Andrew, Ema, Weng Seng, Carine, Aunty Choo, Girly and Uncle Chan. We went Shogun for dinner at 1Utama.
Food everything was ok, just that I got annoyed with Eeyore for kept forcing me to eat foods which I don't wanna eat. Then moreover it was in front of my parents he forcing me to eat the food. He is a big fat bully.
A day after the dinner also my mom was complaining and complaining about the gathering we threw for her. hehe She said she was embarassed..
I'm on leave on Monday and Tuesday, trying to enjoy myself, but still had to work from home. Internet connection also is driving me nuts as it's very unstable. At times I'll wonder...why do I bother working so hard? End of the day, I'm just a Contract Staff... I don't understand why I bother working. Guess I'll just stop working now and just go to sleep
Monday, April 17, 2006
Singapore Trip
9th April 2006 (Sunday)
I managed to sleep reasonable ok the night before and had to drag upself up and out of bed miserably at 7am. After breakfast at home with my parents, Eeyore came to pick me up close to 8am and off we began our journey.
Of course, at first I was feeling really excited at the thoughts of going away on a holiday with my boyfriend, enjoying the fact that I won’t have to think of work at all for the next 3 days. Andrew stopped by Seremban to pick up his parents, have more breakfast there, then proceeded to drive down to Spore.
Upon reaching Spore about noon time, we went to his sister’s in-law’s place in 6th Avenue. Huge house, even more grand then big aunt’s place in Spore that I felt I was entering some sort of mansion and didn’t dare to touch anything in it at all. Just sat for a while then off we went to have lunch – Chicken Rice.
After lunch, we stopped by few shops to find Andrew’s winter clothes. Walked and walked and walked…it’s either dun have the design he likes, or don’t have his size (what to do…he is huge in size). I also was initially psyched at the idea of being able to carry Tina’s daughter – Celine and bring her walking around and to play with her while Tina and Andrew go choose for his winter clothes. That was INITIALLY. After a while, my arm starts aching, until when I put Celine down on the floor, my arms felt numb. I couldn’t feel my fingers, and I cannot even lift a cup with my left hands, it just kept shaking.
Shopping for clothes just felt like a short while, and very quickly, dinner time came. We had seafood dinner with Tina’s in-laws near this sea-side. The food and all was ok, just that there’s a lot of flies around. Then also it was open-air, it felt warm and we were sticky as we haven’t bath yet.
Anyway, after dinner, it was back to the in-law’s place. As Andrew wanted to stay at the in-laws place to watch football, I followed tina back to the Cheshew Height apartment to send her parents back to rest first. I took a quick shower in the Apartment, then followed her back to her in-laws place. I sat in the tv room and watched football for 2 hours. The 1st hour was torturing.. not bcos it was boring or anything, I didn’t mind watching it, but cos my shoulders and left arm was aching so bad that I find it uncomfortable to sit in whatever position. And Tina’s brother in law & his wife was watching the 1st half match also, so I cannot fidget too much. Overall, I find that watching football is not bad. Exciting when it’s about to goal, but then again…2 hours is a long time. Feels like very waste of time. Cos after the 2 hours show, you don’t gain anything from it. All you need to know from it end of the day, is how many goals they scored. Haha
Anyway, by the time we got back to Cheshew Heights, it was already 1am. I didn’t manage to sleep yet, read some comics, fidget around in my bed rolling around, listen to my mp4 and somehow fell asleep before 3am.
10th April 2006 (Monday)
By the time I was awake enough to open my eyes fully and get myself out of bed it was already close to 9am. I heard Andrew’s parents voice outside my room, and just remembered that Tina gave me a tin of milo for me to give her parents for breakfast the night before,wich I just put it in the paper bag. So I had to get myself up, to go take the milo for his parents, then went to bath.
After bathing, I went into Andrew’s room to bug him to wake him up. I didn’t feel like having breakfast alone with his parents and since I’m already awake and bath already, I didn’t know what to do. Halfway poking him, and trying to get him out of his bed, I can hear his mom knocking on my room door calling me for breakfast. Anyway, I still was left to breakfast alone with his parents…bad eeyore.
By the time he woke up and everything, it was already close to noon. Tina prepared Joshua to go school and after he was sent to school, Tina took us to a shopping complex all with IT gadgets. Walked around in the complex until about 3pm where we had Burger King for lunch. I don’t quite remember what else we did or where we went, but I know very fast, it was already 7pm and time for dinner. Ahh, I remember now, after that late lunch, we went back to Cheshew Heights to rest. His dad went into the room for a nap, Andrew also went into his room for a nap, and I went into my room to read comics. Halfway I dozed off, and while I was asleep I know Andrew came to off my lights for me. After that short nap, Tina came over with Joshua and we went out for dinner.
All I remembered from this Spore trip is, none stop eating. Eat and eat and eat. Probably cos it felt like time flies by too soon.
After dinner, Andrew’s parents went back to the apartment, and Andrew & I went to the night safari. That was the only place where we had time to spend alone together. But he was also tired, so he wasn’t too enthusiastic. But nevertherless, I enjoyed myself. Found it to be fun and exciting to be exploring the zoo when it is dark. There was a section full of bats and flying squirrels. That was really interesting, cos at 1 point, that Flying squirrel flew down so low, that I thought it was gonna hit Andrew’s head.
We finished touring the zoo about midnight and got home close to 1am. Same cycle happens, read some comics, and then go zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
11th April 2006 (Tues)
The day where I have to return back to KL and go back to my daily life. Groan. Time really flies when you are enjoying yourself. Again as usual, I tried to wake Andrew up, but failed. And it was raining outside, no point waking him up early also as we can’t go for a swim outside. So I went back to sleep, planned to sleep until Tina comes over with breakfast and wakes us up. Halfway dozing off, I kinda heard my door open, and sensed someone beside me… turns out to be that Hypo Andrew. His turn to come and wake me up.
Morning was spent in the apartment only. Tina tap au breakfast again. After breakfast it was just sitting around, watching tv while Andrew fix joshua’s pc. It was also his mom’s bday, so we had a cake to celebrate for her.
After Tina sent Joshua out to school about noon time, she tapau lunch back for everyone. After lunch we started our journey home. By the time I got back to PJ was about 7pm already. Dread going back to work the next day…but what to do, time never stay still for anybody.
Overall, it was a great trip. Just a trip to get away from work and to just relax, get away from everything here in PJ and just take it easy there.
It wasn't like what I really imagined it to be.. you know, like gf's and bf's going out on a holiday, should be filled with romance and all that. This time around, it just felt like a holiday, a family holiday with his family. But whichever it was, I was glad I went, and happy to take a break away from work.
I managed to sleep reasonable ok the night before and had to drag upself up and out of bed miserably at 7am. After breakfast at home with my parents, Eeyore came to pick me up close to 8am and off we began our journey.
Of course, at first I was feeling really excited at the thoughts of going away on a holiday with my boyfriend, enjoying the fact that I won’t have to think of work at all for the next 3 days. Andrew stopped by Seremban to pick up his parents, have more breakfast there, then proceeded to drive down to Spore.
Upon reaching Spore about noon time, we went to his sister’s in-law’s place in 6th Avenue. Huge house, even more grand then big aunt’s place in Spore that I felt I was entering some sort of mansion and didn’t dare to touch anything in it at all. Just sat for a while then off we went to have lunch – Chicken Rice.
After lunch, we stopped by few shops to find Andrew’s winter clothes. Walked and walked and walked…it’s either dun have the design he likes, or don’t have his size (what to do…he is huge in size). I also was initially psyched at the idea of being able to carry Tina’s daughter – Celine and bring her walking around and to play with her while Tina and Andrew go choose for his winter clothes. That was INITIALLY. After a while, my arm starts aching, until when I put Celine down on the floor, my arms felt numb. I couldn’t feel my fingers, and I cannot even lift a cup with my left hands, it just kept shaking.
Shopping for clothes just felt like a short while, and very quickly, dinner time came. We had seafood dinner with Tina’s in-laws near this sea-side. The food and all was ok, just that there’s a lot of flies around. Then also it was open-air, it felt warm and we were sticky as we haven’t bath yet.
Anyway, after dinner, it was back to the in-law’s place. As Andrew wanted to stay at the in-laws place to watch football, I followed tina back to the Cheshew Height apartment to send her parents back to rest first. I took a quick shower in the Apartment, then followed her back to her in-laws place. I sat in the tv room and watched football for 2 hours. The 1st hour was torturing.. not bcos it was boring or anything, I didn’t mind watching it, but cos my shoulders and left arm was aching so bad that I find it uncomfortable to sit in whatever position. And Tina’s brother in law & his wife was watching the 1st half match also, so I cannot fidget too much. Overall, I find that watching football is not bad. Exciting when it’s about to goal, but then again…2 hours is a long time. Feels like very waste of time. Cos after the 2 hours show, you don’t gain anything from it. All you need to know from it end of the day, is how many goals they scored. Haha
Anyway, by the time we got back to Cheshew Heights, it was already 1am. I didn’t manage to sleep yet, read some comics, fidget around in my bed rolling around, listen to my mp4 and somehow fell asleep before 3am.
10th April 2006 (Monday)
By the time I was awake enough to open my eyes fully and get myself out of bed it was already close to 9am. I heard Andrew’s parents voice outside my room, and just remembered that Tina gave me a tin of milo for me to give her parents for breakfast the night before,wich I just put it in the paper bag. So I had to get myself up, to go take the milo for his parents, then went to bath.
After bathing, I went into Andrew’s room to bug him to wake him up. I didn’t feel like having breakfast alone with his parents and since I’m already awake and bath already, I didn’t know what to do. Halfway poking him, and trying to get him out of his bed, I can hear his mom knocking on my room door calling me for breakfast. Anyway, I still was left to breakfast alone with his parents…bad eeyore.
By the time he woke up and everything, it was already close to noon. Tina prepared Joshua to go school and after he was sent to school, Tina took us to a shopping complex all with IT gadgets. Walked around in the complex until about 3pm where we had Burger King for lunch. I don’t quite remember what else we did or where we went, but I know very fast, it was already 7pm and time for dinner. Ahh, I remember now, after that late lunch, we went back to Cheshew Heights to rest. His dad went into the room for a nap, Andrew also went into his room for a nap, and I went into my room to read comics. Halfway I dozed off, and while I was asleep I know Andrew came to off my lights for me. After that short nap, Tina came over with Joshua and we went out for dinner.
All I remembered from this Spore trip is, none stop eating. Eat and eat and eat. Probably cos it felt like time flies by too soon.
After dinner, Andrew’s parents went back to the apartment, and Andrew & I went to the night safari. That was the only place where we had time to spend alone together. But he was also tired, so he wasn’t too enthusiastic. But nevertherless, I enjoyed myself. Found it to be fun and exciting to be exploring the zoo when it is dark. There was a section full of bats and flying squirrels. That was really interesting, cos at 1 point, that Flying squirrel flew down so low, that I thought it was gonna hit Andrew’s head.
We finished touring the zoo about midnight and got home close to 1am. Same cycle happens, read some comics, and then go zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
11th April 2006 (Tues)
The day where I have to return back to KL and go back to my daily life. Groan. Time really flies when you are enjoying yourself. Again as usual, I tried to wake Andrew up, but failed. And it was raining outside, no point waking him up early also as we can’t go for a swim outside. So I went back to sleep, planned to sleep until Tina comes over with breakfast and wakes us up. Halfway dozing off, I kinda heard my door open, and sensed someone beside me… turns out to be that Hypo Andrew. His turn to come and wake me up.
Morning was spent in the apartment only. Tina tap au breakfast again. After breakfast it was just sitting around, watching tv while Andrew fix joshua’s pc. It was also his mom’s bday, so we had a cake to celebrate for her.
After Tina sent Joshua out to school about noon time, she tapau lunch back for everyone. After lunch we started our journey home. By the time I got back to PJ was about 7pm already. Dread going back to work the next day…but what to do, time never stay still for anybody.
Overall, it was a great trip. Just a trip to get away from work and to just relax, get away from everything here in PJ and just take it easy there.
It wasn't like what I really imagined it to be.. you know, like gf's and bf's going out on a holiday, should be filled with romance and all that. This time around, it just felt like a holiday, a family holiday with his family. But whichever it was, I was glad I went, and happy to take a break away from work.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Spinster-hood
Was just chatting with my girl buddy this afternoon and she mentioned that she wanna remain single for the rest of her life, become spinster.
At first when she mentioned it, i was thinking that, to be living alone as a spinster it is gonna be lonely because u are all alone. But now come to think of it... it will actually be not so bad afterall. All you need most is your girl friends to be with you. They can take all the blues away from you, they are the one who listens to you sob and complain, they are the ones who understands best.
Why do we need guys beside us? They are just irritating load, (I dun mean to offend anybody). Everything they do is correct, and everythign we do is wrong.
I think I'm just talking nonsence here...
At first when she mentioned it, i was thinking that, to be living alone as a spinster it is gonna be lonely because u are all alone. But now come to think of it... it will actually be not so bad afterall. All you need most is your girl friends to be with you. They can take all the blues away from you, they are the one who listens to you sob and complain, they are the ones who understands best.
Why do we need guys beside us? They are just irritating load, (I dun mean to offend anybody). Everything they do is correct, and everythign we do is wrong.
I think I'm just talking nonsence here...
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Jazzercise
Gosh... I am currently rotting. After not having enough hours in a day to finish / do my office work, now I have all the time in the evening to sit and do nothing, just to wait for time to pass.
Currently I'm in TTDI SIM, doing admin work sitting around purely to jst open doors, answer calls, collect fees and to close up the school later.
Work wise, today in office so glad that there's a new girl who joined as a Proposal Manager and we're able to click together. It's good that she'll be able to help lighten the load off my back, but in the process alot of time have to be spent to assist and guide her thru all the tedious internal process. I spent my whole noon briefing her up, and running thru the process with her. End up my work got delayed and things got held up at my side. Anyway, I'm already done with office work today, so just let it be..till tomorrow comes.
Sometimes huh, those people at office will really drive you mad. Just like this morning, those people drove me nuts, expecting me to be superwomen and can complete their tasks immediately. How many hands do I have? So many different people instructing me? Darn it. I started my day off at a cheerful mood, and only 1 hour into my official office hour, I felt the whole world collapsing around me. With all the tones of email to look through and tons of proposals pending for me to process. Oh man..tomorrow, another long day to come.
On the bright side, recently I started this jazz aerobics lesson called Jazzercise. It's a mixture of aerobics, pilates, kick boxing etc etc. and it works out every part of yr body every week. I've already attended 4 lessons, and beginning to enjoy it. At first it was really hard to cope and get the rhythm of it.. but after the 4th lesson, I start to enjoy myself and find it really fun
Currently I'm in TTDI SIM, doing admin work sitting around purely to jst open doors, answer calls, collect fees and to close up the school later.
Work wise, today in office so glad that there's a new girl who joined as a Proposal Manager and we're able to click together. It's good that she'll be able to help lighten the load off my back, but in the process alot of time have to be spent to assist and guide her thru all the tedious internal process. I spent my whole noon briefing her up, and running thru the process with her. End up my work got delayed and things got held up at my side. Anyway, I'm already done with office work today, so just let it be..till tomorrow comes.
Sometimes huh, those people at office will really drive you mad. Just like this morning, those people drove me nuts, expecting me to be superwomen and can complete their tasks immediately. How many hands do I have? So many different people instructing me? Darn it. I started my day off at a cheerful mood, and only 1 hour into my official office hour, I felt the whole world collapsing around me. With all the tones of email to look through and tons of proposals pending for me to process. Oh man..tomorrow, another long day to come.
On the bright side, recently I started this jazz aerobics lesson called Jazzercise. It's a mixture of aerobics, pilates, kick boxing etc etc. and it works out every part of yr body every week. I've already attended 4 lessons, and beginning to enjoy it. At first it was really hard to cope and get the rhythm of it.. but after the 4th lesson, I start to enjoy myself and find it really fun
Monday, April 03, 2006
Moving Out and away
I guess, at some point of everybody's life ... everybody will have the dreams, the visions, the eagerness of moving out of their parents home and staying by themselves independently outside.
Who won't be tempted with the idea? After staying in your parents home for over 10, 20 years and having to obey the house rules.. Who won't like the idea of staying out, having total freedom. Doing whatever you wish, going out and coming home whenever you like...
I have to admit, there were times in my life, where I myself cannot wait to live away from my family, to live independly.. but when I really sit down and think of it, to put myself in my parents position, I feel guilty for having such thoughts.
I mean, our parents brought us up. They took care of us since young and thru our schooling days. And right after we start working and earning our own money, we just pack up, leave our parents behind and chase after what we call "freedom"? *ring* *ring*.. don't sound quite fair rite?
There's always no right or wrong in this world.. everything can be right, or wrong..depends on how you inteprete it. But to me, no matter how I see it.. your parents will always be your parents. Without them, you will be nobody. They are the one who brought us up into this world. Without their shelter, without their care and their love to keep us safe all this while.. who are we, and where will we be now? How long more can they be with us? How long more can we be with them? Also, as a chinese, and as a girl.. I know that there will come a day when I will marry my prince charming, and have to leave my parents home. So what's the rush of moving out?
Of cos, there are things which always annoys me at home.. like always having to ask permission, doing things and scared that my parents won't approve of it. But as I say.. anyhow also, there are still my parents and I guess I just have to bear with it and just hope for the best.
I don't know what made me start to blog about this topic... Guess I'm just having the blues and the thoughts of just 'moving out', so that i don't have to get my parents approval when I wanna go anywhere, like go outstation for hols, is really tempting me. But as I said.. I will always wanna respect my parents, and the only thing I can do now is to hope for the best. Hope my parents already know the fact that I'm old enuf to take care of myself, and hope tat the Goldfish-eye-Eeyore understands my position also.. Sigh..why am I born as a girl?
Who won't be tempted with the idea? After staying in your parents home for over 10, 20 years and having to obey the house rules.. Who won't like the idea of staying out, having total freedom. Doing whatever you wish, going out and coming home whenever you like...
I have to admit, there were times in my life, where I myself cannot wait to live away from my family, to live independly.. but when I really sit down and think of it, to put myself in my parents position, I feel guilty for having such thoughts.
I mean, our parents brought us up. They took care of us since young and thru our schooling days. And right after we start working and earning our own money, we just pack up, leave our parents behind and chase after what we call "freedom"? *ring* *ring*.. don't sound quite fair rite?
There's always no right or wrong in this world.. everything can be right, or wrong..depends on how you inteprete it. But to me, no matter how I see it.. your parents will always be your parents. Without them, you will be nobody. They are the one who brought us up into this world. Without their shelter, without their care and their love to keep us safe all this while.. who are we, and where will we be now? How long more can they be with us? How long more can we be with them? Also, as a chinese, and as a girl.. I know that there will come a day when I will marry my prince charming, and have to leave my parents home. So what's the rush of moving out?
Of cos, there are things which always annoys me at home.. like always having to ask permission, doing things and scared that my parents won't approve of it. But as I say.. anyhow also, there are still my parents and I guess I just have to bear with it and just hope for the best.
I don't know what made me start to blog about this topic... Guess I'm just having the blues and the thoughts of just 'moving out', so that i don't have to get my parents approval when I wanna go anywhere, like go outstation for hols, is really tempting me. But as I said.. I will always wanna respect my parents, and the only thing I can do now is to hope for the best. Hope my parents already know the fact that I'm old enuf to take care of myself, and hope tat the Goldfish-eye-Eeyore understands my position also.. Sigh..why am I born as a girl?
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