Cannot sleep

23rd April. 3.15am

The feeling of not being able to sleep at night, is really torturing. I took a nap on Saturday afternoon, it was meant to be a short nap but I overslept, and dozed off for about 3 hours until 6pm.

An now, at 3.30am, I am unable to sleep. I did manage to doze off for about an hour from the time frame of 1am – 2am. Somehow I woke up at 2plus, and find myself unable to sleep again until now. Each time I am close to falling asleep, disturbing thoughts will enter my mind, and thus waking me up and making me feel very alert again.

In work, a lot of things is based on checklist. Need to make sure, this this that that is done in a correct manner. If it is like this, then it should be done that way etc. So when I am halfway falling asleep, I somehow have this mental checklist… Am I sleeping correctly. To go to sleep, I need to fulfill this criteria, I need to complete this question of why I need to sleep. If I cannot complete, then wake up, I cannot sleep. Whatever it is, I really cannot define properly…but it is just like that…end of the day, I wake up, and can’t sleep again.

Then all the other thoughts will enter my mind. My Master’s programme…am I really gonna go ahead with it? I really do wanna do it…but cos it involves upfront payment of RM30k, I really wanna think about I properly. Then, there’s the issue about my pay, how much increment my agent will give. After the RM30K for the Master’s course, I’ll gonna have tight financial’s. My savings will go 0, means I won’t have any savings, and i’ll have to start saving from scratch. Therefore my monthly salary will define how much savings’s I can have, and from there I will know whether I can afford to do any traveling in the near future.

I love to travel, I love to go visiting other places. But after using the money on Master’s course, that will mean no traveling for me, at least for another 2 years or so. And then there’s the promise with Suba to go to Rome… Wonder how long more I need to save to achieve financial stability that can enable me to go travel again. The last trip I went was the trip to Medan with my parents. That’s many years ago. At least, the last 2 years I know I didn’t travel anywhere at all.

I do wish there is some one whom I can talk to, and share with. It’s difficult to talk to him regarding all this, because before I can tell him my views, he’ll have his own suggestions and views cutting me short. Worst of all, when I called him that day and ask how much does he think I should demand from my agent… he tell me to decide on my own. He is annoying in a way. I only ask him, cos I don’t know…and when I don’t know something I turn to him, hoping he can help. And as usual, he will say “up to you”. Very nonsentical, when you ask him for advise he’ll tell u “I dunno”. When u don’t ask him for advise, when you are just talking and discussing something with him, he’ll give you thousand and one advises on what u should do. Sometimes come to think of it huh..talking to him will really give you high blood pressure.

Other then that, when it is nothing related to work, to studies or anything ‘serious’…he is fun to have around. But when it is like any work related problems, or “big decisions” which I have to make, and affects my life…asking him is a waste of energy. He’ll have 2 extreme ends… Either he will just cut u off and refuse to listen to what u say, and give his list of suggestions (which if you refuse to listen to it, you are in deep shit… cos his theory is – if u ask him for suggestions, and he gives it, you have to follow. Else u are wasting his time) OR, he’ll just answer u very shortly “up to you”.

In a way, like what I blogged earlier about “chun tet”… I know and I can feel it in a way, that to him, I am an idiotic brainless chun tet girl. The only reason why he stays with me, is because he says he cannot find another stupid girl like me who loves him and accepts him. Makes me feel even more brainless. Everything I say or do, is always wrong to him. And when I ever do tell him anything, he won’t listen…cos everything I say or do, is chun tet and brainless..no point listening to me. He is the ‘master’…the one who is always right.

I just called him today to discuss about the diving, about how much time we have, and when he is targeting to go, so I can try to arrange with my friends and see how, if I go with them, or I go alone. He just doesn’t care. When he already arrange with his friends, he expects everybody to listen and follow him, to change our schedules to fit into his. But when I already arrange with my frens, that is not-important… I have to make my frens change schedules also to fit his friends one. I know I’m blogging in circles…Probably nobody else will understand what I’m blogging except for myself. Anyway, It’s just that, he always be-little’s me. Make me feel un-important and that he is king…everything he say or do, everyone must follow. I have no say. I called to discuss only, and he was already yelling there saying that he arranged wit his friends already. If my fren canot make it, then too bad. It was already so many times in the past his fren ffk, yet…. Sigh..i nothing to say. In the first place, I didn’t even ask his fren to change schedules… I was just saying that I join my fren another week…then he starts to act like that already…without even waiting to listen finish what I have to say.

Other then that, he is a great guy. I mean, when we don’t go out, over the phone or via sms, just talking nonsence, he is ok. Just that as I said…when ‘serious’ things are concerned..it is just a waste of time talking to him. He makes fun of everything I say, so that ‘serious’ things bcome like a joke to him. Try seriously talking to him, trying to map my future career…he’ll just come and bomb you with “decide on your own..i don’t know you”. Oh goodness… If I know, I won’t turn to you to discuss with you. I don’t expect anyone to have any answers for me, but at least perhaps some suggestions will do? To guide me at least? Anyhow also, I turn to him cos he is my bf, and also cos he is older then me…of cos I expect him to guide me. And if I press the question further, trying to get help to find my path… he’ll start to get pissed off and say “you go home and decide for yourself”. Damn. You might as well just not say anything.

After that happened, I thought to myself…perhaps everybody will also say the same thing. So I went and try on other frens who are abit older then me. It is not that kind of reaction which they give me. I mean, they don’t have answers for me, but they tried to help by suggesting things, and listen to me, try to analyse with me. They dun just shut me off.

As I said…one reason why I think he always shuts me off, is cos he thinks I’m not good enough for him. I mean, I know I’m not good enough for him. In his mind, I’m not ‘sing mok’, not smart enuf for him…. Tat’s why whatever I say or do, bcomes unimportant. I am here only as a companion, for him to bully, tease, and make fun off. What an interesting role I play as a gf huh? The most interesting part of all this is...despite all this, I still like him for who he is. Real stupid huh?