"Chun Tet" = Stupid

Today is my 2nd day of leave in a row. The last leave I have to clear, the last day where my contract expires too. Agent says she cannot confirm the amount of my increment yet, IBM haven't issue PO for me to sign my contract renewal and it sucks to be working after my contract expires and not knowing about my increment.

I am triple tasking while blogging now. TV is on, I'm blogging, and eating my burger. There's so much I wanna blog about, but don't know where to start.

First of all, I found out today that Eeyore still snoops into my Blog. He hasn't been reading my Blog for a long time, and recently somehow he seems to read it. I just blogged about the Spore trip few days ago, and today he is teasing me about it already. Reminds me to be more careful about the things I blog in here, and mind my words.

Secondly, about my day. Today is my mom's birthday, and also the day my contract expires. As mentioned above, I don't know my increment. This morning, this old uncle woke me up at 9+am, I got so annoyed that I refuse to answer his call. He left a voice mail for me, asking me to create a document and email it out. And also, of all times, my lotus notes decides to crash on me. I couldn't get my Lotus notes to connect to the server and my AT&T keeps disconnecting, which I guess should be cos my wireless connection at home is unstable. Called me 1 time nevermind wor, later in the morning I already sent out the file and already noted in the email said I was on leave, he called me again. Bengang betul. Of cos I didn't answer. And another time in the afternoon he called.

I was at that stage of... "what the heck man.. I'm only a contract worker. I dont give a damn to the project. I'm on leave so I 100% let go". Easy to say lar..but hard to do. Anyway, I did quite well. After I went out for lunch, I refused to do any office work for the rest of the day, and refused to pick up any office calls.

Anyway, my family and I went to Greenview for lunch to celebrate for mom. It was a rather late lunch, and very filling too. After that, about 3pm I took mom to 1Utama to walk around awhile and get some groceries. Then in the evening, I had a game of squash with Eeyore. That's when I start to realise something.

Part 1, as the title of my blog says "Chun Tet". This is what I realised today. I have to admit I am really stupid and dumb, and somehow, Eeyore is the only one who makes me see and feel stupid. I mean........ in front of others, I don't find myselt utterly smart, or extremely stupid. I just feel "normal". In some areas I am smart, and I know my stuff. And other area's I know i'm a doop.

Like when I talk to my older friends (I'll have to refer to "older" friends, cos Eeyore belongs to the "older" category.) occasionally, I may not understand 100% when they talk politics or about business. But I do understand abit, and make myself not sound so stupid while talking, or rather they don't make me feel stupid, and I don't feel that way. Whether or not they know the true facts that I know 0 about what they talking about, doesn't matter. As long as they dun see me as stupid. But it's abit difficult at times, when they start talking about stuff which I barely understand, and I don't know how to ask... cos for the reason I don't wanna sound stupid.

Whatever it is, bottom line.... I know I am stupid, but I don't feel so when I am with others. But when with Eeyore, I feel utterly useless, stupid, idiotic, baboon and extremely a tin kosong.

It didn't feel so bad, until recently when I always end up doing stupid things, he starts to call me "chun Tet" or something... First few times he did it, it was just a joke. I didn't give it much thought. But each time I go out with him, I notice there's always a reason, something I say or do, which makes him call me "chun tet"... and it makes me start to wonder... maybe I am really that idiotic afterall.

Look... I'm on leave, but don't know what the heck I bother working. Who will know or who cares that I'm working when I actually got my leave approved? My increment... until the day I expired today, I was still unable to get my agent to give me a satisfactory answer on how much increment I will get.

And then, the other day I went Mid Valley with Eeyore on a Friday night. First we went to play those Arcade games. Played those dancing things which you press the buttons .. Of cos, don't have to say, I lost badly in that game lar. Early early I already lost in that game. Ok, nvm...went on next to car racing. First I was leading...and somehow, ended up I lost by quite a margin... few minutes. 2 times I lost already in games...nvm, proably cos it's just not my turf, I barely play games afterall.

Next, went on to the Pool table. Even more this is a game I barely play... but yet, I just cannot get the ball to go in. I did try my best, but each time I tried to concentrate on the balls's angle on how I should shoot, I see Eeyores face there leering at me, I jst cannot concentrate. Cos I know what he'll do next, he'll say "chun tet" when I miss, and starts to laugh. Or on good days, He'll ask me to try again, and if i missed again, he'll look annoyed with that look "why are u so stupid that u can miss" on his face. Haih... last time when I initially started to play pool with my other friends, it didn't feel this bad. Nobody tease me, and at the most, they correct my position and posture. But with Eeyore, each time before I take my aim, I will have that sort of feeling "he's gonna call me stupid again, I'm so stupid, I sure will miss".. and end of the day, I miss.

Ah...that's not all.. Finally, we went to Bowling. I thought, ok'lar...bowling I'm not that horrible... I can do it. I was doing well... or at least, I thought I was. Until the last ball. Again, yes....u guessed it! I lost! Hah... I give up man...

I just feel so stupid...I'm stupid, stupid stupid. Don't need to say, yes, I lost in todays game also. I cannot even start my ball properly with him, cos he kept teasing me for missing. 1 miss, he tease me, and the rest of the ball goes all over the place except for the right place it's suppose to go. After the game today, only I realise that I'm so useless. It's no fun. And he'll say it's no fun to challenge me anything, cos I always lose afterall.

I understand, and I know he didn't mean it to call me Chun Tet or by teasing me each time I lose. Cos he's just stating facts.... I am indeed stupid.

I so stupid that I can eat burger until I stomach ache now.

There'll probably just come a day when he'll wake up 1 day, and realise how stupid I am. And that he'll fall for a better, smarter girl and leave me.

I don't mean to do stupid things or sound stupid in front of it. Thinking back... it is just cos I feel comfortable with him, he is my boyfriend and there's nothing I need to hide from him. So there's anythin I really don't know or don't understand, I ask him straight. I needn't pretend to understand, just cos I don't wanna sound stupid. And he calls me stupid for asking..

Sigh..perhaps in future I should just keep my mouth shut. Put on a "smart" look, my "office look", so everyone will think I know everything, the smartest of all. It's exhausting....

Office is exhausting, I don't know where my career is heading. I am not 100% sure I wanna do masters, as 30K is a big gamble and I don't wanna regret it. And I still feel so stupid being around with him. Ahh... I don't mind losing games when I play with him, I guess that is something expected already.... but's it's just he teases me and really really emphasizes how stupid I am.

I am stupid, stupid stupid... Time to sleep, tomorrow need to go back office to do stupid things lagi.